


ruins

by fairyshivers



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, John Murphy POV, M/M, i love my trash sons, just some angsty murphamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-17
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-23 01:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8308270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyshivers/pseuds/fairyshivers
Summary: Bellamy and Murphy have always been a dangerous combination - like oil and fire. And when they collide, all they leave is smoke and ashes (and a little bit light in the distance.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration: Control - Halsey

> **_know i’ve done wrong_**
> 
> **_left your heart torn_ **
> 
> **_is that what devils do?_ **

 

 

_f i r s t_

Dark clouds are accumulating at the horizon, stealing the sky the last bit of the day’s sunlight. The wind has risen to a distant howling And somewhere in the camp John Murphy is sitting alone on one of the many wooden benches.

He takes a sip of his drink and stares down into his cup, in which he poured some of Jasper’s famous moonshine. He hopes that the pain will fade - as it always does. He knows that - like always - it probably won’t work out to forget. Knows that the pain will never really fade, it will just hurt a little less.

Bit by bit, sip by sip, until it is like a dull headache, still there but bearable. 

But today it is different than most days.

The alcohol makes him remember. It awakens memorys of older darker days, of his life on the ark, of his family. He can hear his mother’s voice echoing through his head and he clenches his hands into fists and tries to get this unwanted whispers out of his mind.

_You killed your father._

It is his mother, whom he hears every time, again and again, but never his father. And her words are always the same. Sometimes they make him desperate, sometimes they make him furious.

But the worst thing is that he knows that she is right. He’s responsible for his father’s death and what happened to his mother after that. Everything he touches is collapsing into ashes. The darkness sticks on him and follows him everywhere. That is the thing, which hurts the most. The truth behind her words.

“Hey Murphy.”

It is Bellamy, who interrupts his thoughts. Murphy doesn’t look up like he hadn’t heard him, but the other boy still sits down next to him on the bench.

“Look,” the older one says, running his fingers through his hair nervously. “You know that it isn’t your fault, right? Finn did it, he killed those people and you couldn’t do anything about it.” 

But he isn’t right. Murphy can see it in their faces. They blame him. Clarke, Raven and even Monty, who is the last one to judge anyone. They all think it is his fault. And he knows that he has no hope for forgiveness.

And yet he didn’t do anything this time. He was only there when Finn went crazy and shot the grounders at the village, he even tried to stop him - but that’s not enough. It isn’t enough to them.

Perhaps they can see that the disaster is drawn to him, like flies are drawn to the light.

And furthermore it just isn’t enough to do the right thing for one time. He made so much mistakes - he knows that - that even a bunch of good deeds couldn’t purge him.

Murphy is the last one to deserve a second chance - he knows that too.

Because it is his fault, although maybe not completely. He could have stopped it, should have stopped it. But now he let down Bellamy again even if he doesn’t let it show. Again people died and it is Murphy’s fault.

However he doesn’t say that out loud.

Instead he mumbles “whatever” and looks for a hint of a lie in Bellamy’s eyes. But it is dark and he can’t see anything and Bellamy is different.

“It is easier for them,” the dark haired boy carries on. “It is easier to blame someone else than someone who means something to you.”

In this moment a small part of Murphy’s mind realises that Bellamy Blake doesn’t blame him. Bellamy, who tried to kill him and banished him. (Murphy doesn’t take offence for that, not anymore.) Bellamy, whom he tried to kill, whom he trief to hang in that dropship, who he betrayed and let down a million times. Bellamy is giving him another chance.

But Murphy isn’t used to getting new chances and Bellamy has chosen a difficult time. He swallows the last bit of alcohol left in his cup and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. „Screw you. You’ve got no clue of what they think about me. Just piss off,“ he growls and realises once again how easy it is to push others away than letting anyone close.

For a short moment Bellamy seems hurt but then the look on his face changes again. „You know what? Just continue doing what you always do, Murphy“, he snaps and gets up. Murphy is left behind alone.

And like every time before he cares a little bit less about it. 

 

_s e c o n d_

The next days are a sheer torture. It’s calm in camp, everyone’s doing his work, which means he hasn’t got anything to do and has time to overthink everything. Sometimes someones comes with an order or a task for him but most times they ask someone else because he isn’t trustworthy or they don’t want him near them.

Clarke, Abby, Raven and a few others are going on a trip to restore the signal from the other stations, which is blocked by Mount Weather. After that the camp is even more silent and empty than before. But he also begins to see Bellamy more often again, because he isn’t doing something with Clarke all the time.

The short conversation they both had after he returned to camp won’t leave his head and he can’t really get rid of it.

He knows that he should talk to Bellamy, explain himself. But he doesn’t know how, it’s far too complicated and so he doesn’t talk because this has always been the easiest way.

And Bellamy doesn’t talk to him either.

Until one afternoon he appears in Murphy’s tent. „What do you want?“, snaps the younger boy, letting his anger show trough his voice. It’s better than letting Bellamy know that he wants to talk to im so badly. „The last hunting team came back with two injured and we have to replace them.“ He makes it clear that this is an order, but Murphy can’t help himself. „And why exactly should we do this?“ Actually it doesn’t surprise him. In most cases the teenagers don’t have anything to say in camp but they probably can’t do any real harm on a hunting trip except for running away. (And there would be no one missing Murphy, so who cares.) „I don’t know anything more than you do“, Bellamy counters, clearly not happy about that fact. „Just be at the gate in one hour.“ And then he leaves again.

On the one hand Murphy is happy to finally do something. On the other hand he can’t concentrate on anything lately if he’s around the dark haired boy. His mind always drifts back to their conversation. It is too late to talk? And if it’s not, how should he start? Murphy is not an ace at talking to other people, if it doesn’t involve sarcasm. And he doesn’t want to screw up the only chance he might ever get.

He packs up his stuff, trying to distract himself. An hour later he makes his way to the gate a little too late to be there in time. He isn’t a dog who blindly follows every order. At the main entrance of the camp Bellamy and two soldiers are waiting. Without saying a word Murphy grabs the gun the soldier is holding out to him. The look on his face makes clear that Murphy shouldn’t be of any trouble to them. He can feel anger burning hot in his stomach but he just clenches his teeth. He finally has the chance to get out of this camp and he won’t destroy this.

They are walking quite a while before they even find the slightest trace of a bigger animal. Bellamy and Murphy are going ahead, the guards following them with a little distance. Murphy can hear their low voices behind his back and their dull steps on the ground.

For a while he tries to pick up on their conversation, then he concentrates on their surroundings and after he can’t concentrate on any of this he begins to whistle a melody because he can’t stand the silence that feels like a barricade between him an Bellamy.

The other boy flashes him a glance and Murphy takes the opportunity to break the silence. „Any grounder in this woods will hear us because of those two dickheads back there.“

But Bellamy remains silent and continues to do so until they stop to make a break a few hours later. While the other men are still talking, Murphy sits down beside Bellamy on the ground and lets his back rest at the tree behind him. „I was an asshole the other day“, he says, staring down at his hands so that he doesn’t have to look at Bellamy. „You _are_ an asshole, Murphy“, the older boy answers and when Murphy looks up, Bellamy is looking at him. „It’s okay.“ Murphy doesn’t answer for a moment because he can’t quite believe that Bellamy has forgiven him again. Then he laughs. „You an idiot, Blake.“

He looks up just in time to see the yellow fog flowing through the trees towards them. 

 

_t h i r d_

Some time later the light outside is slowly fading and the fog hasn’t disappeared yet. Bellamy and Murphy are inside one of their tents, that they had with them. Somehow they had enough time to set it up before the fog hit them, but they don’t know what happened to the guard. However they didn’t hear any screams which led them to the conclusion that the other two are still alive.

The time begins to run slower like honey and Murphy is still staring up at the canvas above him while listening to Bellamys breathing. „I never thanked you“, he says eventually. He isn’t even sure Bellamy is still awake until he hears his answer. „For what?“ There is no mocking in this question, which surprises Murphy. „For giving me a second chance, after I tried to kill you. I wouldn’t have done it.“ They are silent for a moment. „I did a lot of bad stuff, too“, Bellamy replies quiet. „But that doesn’t make my actions any better. I may be a little bit crazy.“ He laughs to hide the fact that this is actually the way he thinks about himself. That he’s gone crazy a long time ago. That he stopped caring. That he stopped seeing the line between god and bad. That he’s running straight into the darkness with an insane smile on his face. „We’re all crazy and fucked up, aren’t we?“, Bellamy says. „You can’t always decide with reason.“

The evening is passing by slowly and the fog is still as thick as multiple hours ago. They unpack their things, drink and eat something and pack up again. And they talk. Not all the time and never for long, but they talk. And it is a bit like a miracle.

After they decide to sleep a little, Murphy is laying awake next to Bellamy on the harsh ground, not getting a wink of sleep. His head is full of thoughts and he can’t get any rest. He’s asking himself how all of that could happen and how he deserves this. Bellamy doesn’t know everything about him (hopefully he never will learn the whole truth) but he forgave him so much and the burden of guilt resting on his shoulder feels a little lighter today.

He’s eventually drifting of to sleep when something wakes him up again. It is Bellamy who is tossing and turning beside him, strangled sounds escaping his mouth. For a moment Murphy isn’t sure what to do. Then he grabs at Bellamy’s arm and tries to shake him awake. „Bellamy! Wake up!“

 The dark haired boy startles awake, his eyes wide with fear. He still seems to be trapped inside his, pushing Murphy’s hands away from him. „Fuck off! Leave me alone!“ „Bellamy, it’s me“, he tries to talk to him but Bellamy doesn’t hear him. „Fuck you!“ He lashes out at Murphy, hitting him with the back of his hand.

His screams are like bullets slowly breaking through Murphy’s skin and the younger boy remembers this evening back on the ark when his mother first drank. She yelled at him and hit him, told him he was responsible for his father’s death. She told him to go away. And now Bellamy is doing the same.

Murphy can feel everything crumbling around him. Everything he believed in. He made a mistake. He let his guard down for just a moment and now he’s breaking.

The tent is not even small but he feels trapped. He just wants to get away but the fog is still wavering outside and he has to stay here with Bellamy who is still not fully awake and screaming at him.

So he grabs Bellamy’s shoulders and just screams at him letting out all his anger and desperation. Somehow this time he get’s through to Bellamy. They both fall silent. Bellamy just looks at him and Murphy feels like someone sees him for the first time. Really sees him. 

Then Bellamy bends toward him and closes the last gap between them.

They hold on tight to each other like they’ll fall apart if they let go. Like this moment is the last glimpse of hope while the world outside is turning to ashes and the last safe place is in each others arms. It feels like falling. It feels like flying. Everything at once. And Murphy never wants it to stop.

He can feel them calming down. They movements are becoming slower and more considered. Murphy can feel tears on his cheeks. He can feel Bellamy’s warm hands on his back and his soft curly hair between his fingers.

Finally they let go without looking at each other. “I’m sorry”, Bellamy says, his voice shaking. “You don’t have to be,” Murphy replies quickly. 

He’s not quite sure what Bellamy means with his words, but it doesn’t matter. He isn’t sure what tomorrow will be like, but that doesn’t matter either. All that matters is this moment and that he didn’t loose all of his hope.

Maybe he’ll really get a second chance. Maybe.


End file.
